It’s been a while since I updated this blog. To be honest, I have been thinking of just abandoning it because I had been neglecting it anyway. But then two days ago, I received a notification saying, “thank you for renewing your WordPress.com domain,” and I was like, “oh crap!” So here I am writing again because I just paid another year of subscription for hosting and domain.
Lately, it hasn’t been easy for me. Though, I’ve been sharing lots of things on my social media like “hey! Look, I’m having the best day!” but that wasn’t the case. I was and continue struggling. For some unknown reason, I felt so lost. It’s like walking the path that I know for sure is not heading to the place I wanted to be or even close to it, but I could not turn back nor change directions. So, I just continue walking and pray that this path will at least lead somewhere I would not regret being at.
I wasn’t myself lately. I started being the person I don’t want to be, and it doesn’t make me happy. I am honestly not a strong person. I get hurt easily and often, but I learned to control my emotions and practiced the act of indifference (poker face) most of the time. At the beginning of last year, I challenged myself to be more open to people and expand my circle of friends. I started opening up and showing my real emotions in realtime. But some people took advantage of it. I guess they took it as my weakness. They started attacking where it hurts, and I somehow got betrayed. So now, here I was, wearing the same invisible cloak made of prickly cactus surrounded by a wall in the middle of the desert to keep others out. I started to distance myself again. And I started telling myself, “it’s better this way.” Is it better this way?
Some people probably noticed my change in behavior, but nobody asks what’s wrong or what was happening. I was even considered as a bad person for changing my behavior towards them. But what do I expect? They probably never even care about me, to begin with. Or maybe they do care – they care when it’s convenient for them. It hurts, you know? To some people, my effort to make new friends was probably not enough, but for me, I have poured my heart and soul into it. It took so much from me, and it affects me greatly.
Now, I honestly do not know nor understand what is going on with me anymore. The things or activities I enjoyed before seems pointless to me now. I prefer to sleep than do other things. Lifting a pen can even make me tired as hell. My husband said I am depressed. Someone said I should see a doctor. Am I really depressed? Though I never thought about hurting myself, I had been continuously thinking about dying. You know, I think about it like a place where the magic happens, like Disneyland. I don’t mean to sound creepy, but I kind of looking forward to my death. There was something inside of me that kept on asking (yup, it’s called the brain, maybe?),
“How would it feel like dying?”
“Is there an afterlife?”
“What would my last thought before death takes me?”
“Would I have any regrets?”
“Would I be curious as I am now, or would I be scared?”
I have so many questions. I know I will get my answers, but I can’t help but ask, when? Is there also a time when you think about death? Am I creeping you out now? Well, I hope not. We all have some level of weirdness in us, aren’t we?
The real question is if I am sick. Am I sick? Maybe I am or perhaps not. My husband said I am sick in the head (because I married him). But regardless if I am ill or not, I started healing myself. By healing, I mean emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I started getting into reading again, which I enjoyed so much (before) that my husband actually cut my $30 monthly book allowance. Well, I used to get $30 from him monthly to buy books, but then I’ll spend it on one day (buying books) and read the books in a week. Yes. The $30 didn’t last a month. Do you also love reading? Any book recommendation?
I also started journaling (again). I would say with whatever I am going through now (in my head at least), journaling helped me a lot. I have two most important journals that I kept in the drawer next to my bed – the 5-minute and gratitude journals. In my 5-minute journal, I write the very first thing that enters my mind in the morning. Then the things I look forward to for the day, and I write for 5 minutes – just 5 minutes. Then I have my gratitude journal, which I do at night before I go to bed. I would look back to everything that happened that day and write every little thing I am grateful for. It helped me a lot to see the good and bad in everything and be grateful for it, I guess. Do you also keep a journal?
Meditating and taking relaxing baths were also added to my self-healing routine. I started spending at least 15 minutes a day meditating while listening to my favorite classical music. Why do I listen to classical music? Because it relaxes my mind, and it’s my favorite music genre. Oh, I also having trouble concentrating lately, so music helped a little (with concentration). What is your favorite music genre?
In all these self-healing methods and routines, taking relaxing baths is my favorite. Well, I get to drink my wine (sparkling grape juice) while soaking into warm-bubbly-lavender-fragrant water and watch a movie from my iPad (which is safely placed in a ziploc bag). Who wouldn’t love this self-healing bath, right? Plus, you smell like lavender when you get out of it!
After all these rambling, I want you all to know (my lovely readers) that even though I am struggling to understand what is going on with me, I am doing my best to get through this. I also want to assure you that I have not thought of self-harm and that if I get to that point, I would voluntarily seek professional help.
If you are going through something right now and struggling, and you just need someone to listen to you, I am here. And when I said listen, I mean it – I will just listen. I would not say anything because I understand. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen, not someone to figure things out for us. So if you need a listener, reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I think it’s time for me to end this post. Writing this post honestly made me feel better. Thank you for reading!